Anxiety’s a B*tch!

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the delay with this post, I’ve been busy learning to ski bumps and haven’t had a moment to type! I’ve also been struggling with what this post should be. I don’t want to only write ‘my story’ as that could become a little self-gratifying, and its not really a joy to write most of the time. I’ll get back to it, but its the kind of story you have to be in the right frame of mind to write.

I was standing on the button lift pondering anxiety this morning. For some reason, no matter how fast I progress on skis, no matter what terrain I learn to ski with minimal fear, I find myself getting really worked up about that button lift. It could be because it’s always the first thing we do on skis in the morning, but I wouldn’t be too happy about the suggestion of using it at the end of the day either. I decided that for some not too rational reason this lift was making me anxious, and decided to write my next post about anxiety.

I have a fair bit of experience with anxiety, that feeling when your thoughts outrun your head and even your inner monologue ceases to make any sense. I’ve had times when I’ve been willing by body to calm down, because I’m certain people around me can see the fear, and will wonder what’s wrong with me. If you don’t believe you’ve experienced anxiety, I assure you that you’re wrong. Its the uncomfortable feeling where your body is certain that you’re in danger and acts appropriately, the nerves you feel before a test, the fear of going to tell someone you’re sorry. My anxiety is no different to this, it’s certainly not stronger or any more persistent. Maybe its a bit easier to set off than the average person but that’s hard to judge. I am lucky that I don’t live with persistent unchanging anxiety, Its caused more by the situation.

Luckily for the moment, the most I have to worry about is that dammed button lift, and I can deal with that. My previous living arrangement was prime for festering anxiety, with people fearful of me and treating me like a stick of charged dynamite, people lying to me and going behind my back to talk about me, about ‘the problem’. It was horrible, and probably, hopefully the closest I’ll ever come to persistent unchanging anxiety.

To help me cope my doctor prescribed me Diazepam. I had asked for Lorazepam as this is what I had used before, but I wasn’t too sure about the difference and I didn’t want to appear like I was looking for drugs. In my experience, Lorazepam is a very instant release, you take it and you sit, and then 10 mins later you magically realise that you feel fabulous! You don’t immediately attribute it to the pill. Diazepam wasn’t such an instant release, but it definitely lasted longer which was useful in my situation. These drugs are helpful for when you are too exhausted to use your meditative and mindful coping strategies, but in my experience they become counterproductive if you begin to rely on them to get through the day.

For the time being, anxiety is not a problem for me. When you surround yourself with people who understand and care, it’s easier to forgive yourself for being you. When your friends understand, they wont moan and roll their eyes when you ask for excessive details about the event you’re going to, who will be there and what the ‘plan’ is, half the anxiety is gone because there’s no fear of judgement or frustration. Everyone needs a little more support sometimes, even for the small things such as going to the shops, it’s always real to the person experiencing it and therefore should never be mocked.

I feel like I could end every one of my posts about my experiences with a statement of how grateful I am to the people around me, I will try not to because It will get a little repetitive, but it is true. I am lucky to have such a supportive network of people around me.

Thank you for reading and wish me luck for the button lift tomorrow morning! I will try to post the next segment of ‘my story’ on the 2nd Feb so keep an eye out.

Borderline Bella xx

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