There are many aspects to our lives that we are embarrassed about. It takes a lot of courage to open up to someone, so if you happen to be this lucky person please don’t judge how we feel or our behaviour. If there is something you don’t understand, say that you are here and that you support us. You can research what you were told later to find out how you can best be supportive. The same goes for if you accidentally find information out, there should be no difference to how you behave. Finally, when in a group situation don’t join in with gossip or negative talk about BPD behaviours. You could be causing someone unknown in this group to feel intense pain.
Moderate Your Vocabulary
Although we don’t want you to be too precious around us, there are some things that can bring up horrible feelings and experiences. Repeatedly describing someone as crazy in a negative way, saying things such as “she really needs to get some help” makes me in particular feel ashamed and awkward. I personally don’t like it when people call themselves fat or skinny in front of me, or talk about the health quality of food that I am about to eat. I understand that everyone has their own insecurities that are completely unrelated to their opinion of me, but it still triggers unhelpful feelings and emotions. There are other obvious things that people can say that can affect someone with BPD more than an average person, for example jokes or comments around sexual violence and trauma. If in doubt try to be a little sensitive, and ask the person if anything you say is triggering.
Don’t Take It Personally
My friends all know and hopefully understand that I am not the most reliable person. If we have made plans, and I cancelled last minute, there are literally hundreds of reasons why. Anxiety, depression, and particularly violent mood swings sometimes make the prospect of leaving the house terrifying, for reasons that are hard to explain, sometimes something as seemingly silly as finding a mark on the outfit I planned last night. We are also a group of people known for snapping and being blunt with people, all I can say here is please don’t take it personally. I know it can be horrible to experience the rough side of someones bad mood, but if you can, try to ask us whether we are mad at you or being affected by something else in our lives. Simply put, it can be hard to be friends with someone with borderline personality disorder, but know that we understand this fact and we’re trying our best. I appreciate all the friends that have stuck by me, I know that it hasn’t been easy!
Listen and Don’t Steal
There have been a number of occasions where I opened up to somebody by speaking to them about something difficult, and thought that they were listening and understanding. However, down the line I noticed that they had listened to my problems and not let them go since. I don’t mean by checking that I’m alright the day after I told you I was struggling. These tend to be the kind of people that are excited by the prospect of drama. Once the conversation about my problem has ended, some people try to own the pain I have just opened up about, leading me to feel guilty and responsible for them. I don’t think that this is helpful for either party, it would be better to tell me that you don’t feel up to talking at this time, and then change the subject! If its going to cause long term problems and drama, please take a step back.
Be Upfront and Honest
This is true for friendships with average minded people too! People with BPD are often incredibly sensitive to interpersonal cues, in a way they can be paranoid. Taking any steps to hide things from them rather than manage the conflict you foresee, can make the situation worse. Feelings of deception and paranoia is often a strong trigger that is particularly hard to identify, and therefore to self manage. I would ask that you are sensitively upfront and honest about a situation which you fear would affect me, and trust me to be able to deal with it.
Think About the Situation
Some situations are more sensitive to triggers than others. I personally need to keep this in mind when planning to meet someone or go somewhere, but it would be helpful if my friends also did the same. For example, it is very easy to get someone talking after a few drinks and you may feel more confident to ask questions with a bit of a buzz. However, talking about a dark period in your life while drunk is not fun, and for someone with BPD can be very triggering. Furthermore, if your friend struggles with social anxiety and you’re planning on going to a busy event, you could ask if theres anything you could do to make it easier for them.
Its lovely to be told that you look nice, a compliment is supposed to make the receiver feel cared for and appreciated. For me and other people with body image issues, specific comments around weight make me feel uncomfortable and ashamed. This applies to all people but when making positive comments about someone, try to think about how you want them to feel and use the right words to achieve this. There are many other ways to compliment someone other than to say that they look slim.
Avoid the Egg Shells
Or rather, don’t avoid the egg shells! We’re your friend too and we don’t want to you molly coddle us. We can cope with a lot, and we do cope with a lot. Please don’t feel like you have to not be you when we hang out, because its you we became friends with. Exercise sensitivity and we’ll be able to carry on our friendship as normal, we’ll do the same!
Look After Yourselves
Finally, we know that being the supportive and patient friend that you are can take a lot out of you. We don’t want to drag you down with us, we promise, so make sure you have your own support network if you need to talk. We also understand that you need time away from our intense relationships, and this is fine, just let us know that you’re still going to be around, and more importantly if you’re coming back! You should always put yourself first, and look after yourself as well as you look after us. If your own health is at risk because of our relationship, talk about it. I’m not holding anyone physically or emotionally hostage, and I want the best for all my friends just as most want the best for me.
Thank you for reading,
Borderline Bella xx